Then I left the workroom and slipped back into the main halls of Buckkeep. I knew that Starling would be sniffing over the visiting minstrels, so I went to the lower hall where they usually rehearsed and were generously hosted with viands and drink. The room was stuffed with entertainers, competing with one another in that boisterous and co-operative way they have, but I saw no sign of Starling. I then sought her in the Great Hall and the Lesser, but without success. I had given up and was leaving on my way down to Buckkeep Town when I caught a glimpse of her in the Women’s Gardens. She was walking slowly about with several other ladies. I waited until I was sure she had seen me and then went to one of the more secluded benches. I was certain she would find me there and I did not have to wait long. But as she sat down beside me, she greeted me with, ‘This is not wise. If people see us, they will talk.’
I had never heard her voice concern over that before and it took me aback, as well as stinging my feelings. ‘Then I will ask my question and be on my way. I’m going to town to look for Hap. I’ve heard he’s been frequenting one of the minstrel taverns and I thought you’d know which one?’
She looked surprised. ‘Not I! It’s been months since I’ve been to a minstrel tavern. At least four months.’ She leaned back on the bench, her arms crossed and looked at me expectantly.
‘Could you guess which one?’
She considered a moment. ‘The Pelican’s Pouch. The younger minstrels go there, to sing bawdy songs and make up new verses to them. It’s a rowdy place.’ She sounded as if she disapproved. I raised my brows to that. She clarified, ‘It’s fine enough for young folk new to singing and telling, but scarcely an appropriate place for me these days.’
‘Appropriate?’ I asked, trying to master a grin. ‘When have you ever cared for appropriate, Starling?’
She looked away from me, shaking her head. She did not meet my eyes as she said, ‘You must no longer speak to me so familiarly, Tom Badgerlock. Nor can I meet you again, alone, like this. Those days are over for me.’
‘Whatever is the matter with you?’ I burst out, shocked and a bit hurt.
‘The matter with me? Are you blind, man? Look at me.’ She stood up proudly, her hands resting on her belly. I had seen bigger paunches on smaller matrons. It was her stance rather than her size that informed me. ‘You’re with child?’ I asked incredulously.
She took a breath and a tremulous smile lit her face. Suddenly, she spoke to me as if she were the old Starling, the words bubbling from her. ‘It is little short of a miracle. The healer woman that Lord Fisher has hired to watch over me says that sometimes, just when a woman’s chances for it are nearly gone, she can conceive. And I have. Oh, Fitz, I’m going to have a baby, a child of my own. Already, I love it so that I can scarcely stop thinking of it, night or day.’
She looked luminously happy. I blinked. Sometimes, she had spoken of being barren with bitterness, saying that her inability to conceive meant she would never have a secure home or a faithful husband. But never had she uttered a word of the deep longing for a child that she must have felt all those years. It stunned me. I said, quite sincerely, ‘I’m happy for you. I truly am.’
‘I knew you would be.’ She touched the back of my hand, briefly, lightly. Our days of greeting one another with an embrace were over. ‘And I knew you would understand why I must change my ways. No breath of scandal, no hint of inappropriate behaviour by his mother should mar my baby’s future. I must become a proper matron now, and busy myself only with the matters of my household.’
I knew a shocking moment of greenest envy.
‘I wish you all the joys of your home,’ I said quietly.
‘Thank you. You do understand this parting?’
‘I do. Fare you well, Starling. Fare you well.’
I sat on the bench and watched her leave me. She did not walk, she glided, her arms across her belly as if she already held her unborn child. My greedy, raucous little bird was a nesting mother now. I felt a twinge of loss to watch her go. In her own way, she had always been someone I could turn to when my days were hard. That was gone now.
I thought about my days with Starling on the walk down to Buckkeep Town. I wondered, if I had not given my pain to the dragon, would I ever have given anything of myself to Starling? Not that I had shared much with her. I looked back at how we had come together and wondered at myself.
The Pelican’s Pouch was in a new part of Buckkeep Town, up a steep path and then down, and half built on pilings. It was a new tavern, in the sense that it hadn’t existed when I was a lad, yet its rafters seemed well smoked and its tables showed the battering of most minstrel taverns, where folk were prone to leap to a tabletop either to sing or declaim an epic.
It was early in the day for minstrels to be up and about, so the place was mostly deserted. The tavern keeper was sitting on a tall stool near the salt-rimed window, gazing out over the sea. I let my eyes adjust to the perpetual dimness and then saw Hap sitting at a table by himself in the corner. He had several pieces of wood in front of him and was moving them around as if playing some sort of game with them. He’d grown a little beard, just a fringe of curly hair along his jaw. Immediately, I didn’t like it. I walked over and stood across the table until he looked up and saw me. Then he jumped to his feet with a shout that startled the dozing tavern keeper and came around the table to give me a big hug. ‘Tom! There you are! I’m so glad to see you! Word went out that you were missing. I came to see you when I heard you’d turned up, but you were sleeping like the dead. Did the healer give you the note I left for you?’
‘No, he didn’t.’
My tone warned him. His shoulders sagged a bit. ‘Ah. So I see you’ve heard all the bad news of me, but not the good, I’ll wager. Sit down. I’d hoped that you’d read it and I wouldn’t have to tell it all again. I get weary of repeating the same words over and over, especially since I do it so much these days.’ He lifted his voice, ‘Marn? Could we have two mugs of ale here? And a bit of bread, too, if there’s any out of the oven yet.’ Then, ‘Sit down,’ he said again to me, and took a seat himself. I sat down opposite him. He looked at my face and said, ‘I’ll tell it quickly. Svanja took my money and spent it on pretties that attracted the eye of an older man. She’s now Mistress Pins. She married the draper, a man easily twice as old as me. And wealthy, and settled. A substantial man. So. That’s done.’
‘And your apprenticeship?’ I asked quietly.
‘I lost it,’ he replied as quietly. ‘Svanja’s father made complaint about my character to my master. Master Gindast said I must change my ways or leave his employ. I was stupid. I left his employ. I tried to get Svanja to run away with me, back to our old cabin. I told her things would be hard, but that we could live simply with our love for each other to make us rich. She was furious that I’d lost my apprenticeship, and told me I was crazy if I thought she wanted to live in the woods and tend chickens. Four days later, she was walking out on Master Pins’s arm. You were right about her, Tom. I should have listened to you.’
I bit my tongue before I could agree with him. I sat and stared at the tabletop, wondering what would become of my boy now. I’d left him on his own just when he’d needed a father the most. I pondered what to do. ‘I’ll go with you,’ I offered. ‘We’ll go to Gindast together and see if he will reconsider. I’ll beg if I have to.’